On Venting

What follows below is a speech I gave to Motion employees. It was designed to fit Motion’s culture, but the heart of it is something I deeply believe and carry with me to my personal life. When folks interact with me, I often skip past the emotional complaints. It is not because I do not care about their problems. Rather, I find engaging in it to be less productive. Most importantly, I do not believe one most listen to ardent complaining in order to be a good friend.

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Why am I talking about this today?

A large portion of my free time is reading biographies of really great people from all industries, and as I learn things I’m always thinking about how to apply this to Motion. Specifically, three books I’ve read recently have all said a very similar message, which spurred me to go do some research on my own.

Internal threats are the greatest threats to Motion rather than a competitor taking us out through some clever maneuvering (as David Packard says, “more companies die due to indigestion than starvation”). There are two reasons for this. First, “indigestion” is the most common failing of businesses. Second, we already have very niche opinions on how project management should be done. It’s very unlikely that Microsoft or some other company would suddenly change their point of view to adopt all those unique insights we believe to be true.

This talk is basically the synthesis of my research, spurred by the books No Rules Rules, Creating a Drama Free Workplace, and Poor Charlie’s Almanac. I’ll periodically give other such talks when I feel strongly about something and amend our culture guidelines.

This talk is to convince you all that venting is the greatest internal threat to a high-performing company’s culture.

What is venting?

Venting is like obscenity - you know it when you see it. But in case you don’t, there are three obvious signs that someone is venting:

• They are upset when people are giving solutions to problems. Usually, they just want a release valve to talk more about their problems.

• They’re having a hard time coming up with specifics - overly focused on generalities and feelings. (“X is bad!” “Oh, how so?” “What do you mean how so? It’s obviously bad!”)

• They are likely exaggerating or saying things they would not feel comfortable saying in front of the whole company.

What things aren’t venting?

• Investigating whether a problem exists in a certain area or team

• Asking for help if one does not know how to solve a problem

• Talking to the person directly with whom you may have a problme in order to resolve it

A really easy test to check if you’re venting is: have you done anything on your own to solve this problem? If not, you’re probably venting. (Vendor sucks? Have you tried filing a support ticket? Have you tried even liking a github issue where someone else complained? Have you even brainstormed of potential actions you could take? As we’ll talk about later, even the simple act of brainstorming solutions will take you out of a venting space and into a productive one.)

Venting is bad!

You may be surprised, as I was, to discover quite a consensus around venting being bad for not only the company but also for you! This is surprising because conventional wisdom dictates that it’s good to get those feelings out by talking to people. This may be in the context of therapy or just venting to coworkers, but there are literally hundreds of articles on the internet still espousing outdated Freudian catharsis theories about suppression.

Supposedly, if you have bad feelings and ignore them, they will fester and grow and ultimately poison you from within. These bad feelings are in fact so powerful, the only way you could possibly deal with them is by talking to another human (preferrably a licensed therapist, of course). How convenient. In other words, your feelings are in control of you and not the other way around. Of course, none of this is true. Read any biography and it’s quite clear that resilient people can in fact compartmentalize quite well, and over time, ignoring certain thoughts and feelings actually decreases their impact.

Psychology has moved on since the 1900s and most nearly all the evidence today actually suggests that venting is quite bad. Why is that?

1. Venting makes us more angry.

   When we vent, we are re-living the emotions we originally felt. In doing so, we strengthen those neural pathways . Essentially, you are practicing getting angry at the types of situations that you’re re-living. And practice makes perfect — over time, people who vent a lot become more miserable and more angry. This even expands to those who are listening to others who vent. So not only are you making yourself an angry person, your poison is spreading to others.

2. You lose the bigger picture

   Venting is fundamentally a fight or flight response. When you’re venting, you’re not being logical because you literally cannot be. Your fight or flight response comes from the amygdala, and when that part of the brain is active it actively suppresses the frontal lobe, which is responsible for your logic and reasoning abilities. Your brain is trying to push you into action — not pausing and thinking about what just happened. This is known as the amygdala hijack.

   From an evolutionary standpoint, your brain is still in the cave and it sees a threat. The specificity of that threat doesn’t matter (bear, lion, sabertooth — whatever, just move). The wildnerness rarely has shades of grey, so the ability to see nuance was not so valuable. But in the modern day corproate setting, nuance is all we truly have. These small details are what separate truth from fiction.

   So when we vent and choose to live in the amygdala, it is literally not possible for us to see the truth. Our anger or frustration drives us to exaggerate, make things worse than they are, or sometimes even lie.

   And as I’ve said many times, our primary job as a startup is truth-seeking¹, and any behavior that inhibits this must be ruthlessly stamped out.

3. Choose your sources very carefully.

   You will find literally hundreds of articles online espousing the benefits of venting. I would caution you to think critically. Are these sources from reputable medical journals? If so, how recent are the studies? Most likely, they are clickbaity articles or third-rate SEO blog posts from people shilling their own businesses. If venting was so useful, you’d find high performing organizations all over the world using it as a competitive edge. Remember, people all over the world are desparate and will try anything that works.

   You may think of meditation as too ‘woo-woo’ for modern times, but even the military uses it for the marginal benefits that it provides! Professional sports teams are using it as well. In the most competitive environments, where even a 1% advantage means the difference between victory and defeat, people will claw and try anything that gives them an edge.

   So which company is practicing venting? Which sports team is sitting around in a circle and promoting complaining to each other? Which general is holding great venting debriefs after failed military operations? I can tell you for a fact that Netflix, Stripe, and Berkshire Hathaway absolutely do not tolerate venting. In almost every case that I’ve read about, when a business ran into tough times, a leader actively discouraged venting.

Why do we vent?

So if venting is so bad for us, and makes us angrier over the long run, why do we vent?

1. Being angry feels good, actually.

   There’s lots of studies that back this up, but rage-baiting is very popular for a reason. Most media these days (particularly in politics) is designed to make you angry.

2. It makes us feel close to others.

   Venting is the type of conversation where the other person is specifically barred from giving perspective. Instead, you’re asking someone for support and just an ear to listen. People like doing other people favors, especially when the favor is something as easy as listening. And being listened to also generates a bond.

   New managers are particularly vulnerable to fall into this trap because it’s an easy shortcut to gain the friendship of your reports. In fact, new managers don’t just listen - they often egg on the feeling by sharing their own, similar vents, often at the expense of the bigger picture.

3. People conflicts are inevitable

   We judge ourselves by our intentions, and we judge others by their actions. Because of this mismatch, as an organization grows, people conflict is inevitable. We have different lived experiences, have different slices of context around the business, and often times even value different things (speed vs rigor). So it’s very easy to assume oh that person has bad intent or is actively trying to kill Motion because you don’t like their actions. And due to this dynamic, there’s a near infinite supply of things to vent about!

4. It’s easier than solving the underlying problem

   Solving real problems is hard, and complaining is easy. It’s as simple as that. In most big companies, employees are one of ten thousand. They feel no ownership (and who can blame them?). So when a problem arises, overcoming the activation energy, coming up with a plan, getting buy in from the bureaucracy, and acting on that plan feels like climbing a mountain.

   This is one of the reasons I will never work at a big company. It’s also one of the reasons big companies value people who are political - when the alternative is red tape, political creatures suddenly become quite the better alternative.

   If you are the type of person who wants to give up, then just stop reading. That’s fine, and I have nothing more to say. But if you want to be a high agency person, someone who acts like an owner, then it’s time to stop venting and start solving the underlying problems.

What are alternatives?

First, take a step back and focus on gratitude. Gratitude is the single easiest way to train your brain to consistently look for good things in your life and make you a happier person long term. I personally have a gratitude journal, and I recommend you all try for just 21 days. (Again, I’m speaking in a professional context. Focus on something you’re grateful for about Motion, or about that team you’re having a problem with, or about a coworker you just can’t seem to get along with.) It’s not easy, but that’s the point. Rewiring your brain is not easy. And over time, with practice, you can actually delay or even reduce the intensity of that initial fight or flight response.

Second, shift the conversation from venting to vetting. It’s completely fine to bring up problems to coworkers, particularly if you don’t know how to solve them. It’s also fine to go on a fact finding mission to figure out if there is an actual problem. But make the conversation a proactive, positive one where you both look for solutions. This also has the side effect of forcing you to focus on things that are within your control. Venting has a side effect of deflecting responsibility “this vendor sucks, the world sucks, etc” - what are things you could have done to overcome that? A tell-tale sign that you’re venting is that you’re saying something that would really freak you out if it was accidentally shared in a public channel.

Third, if someone tries to vent to you, kindly redirect them. Venting is a habit, and like any habit, it’s not easy to break. Treat the venter with grace and kindness, but be firm. “Is this issue something you’ve already discussed with the other person? Because I’m happy to serve as a sounding board to vet possible resolutions.” Encourage people who vent to you to assume good intent about those who are venting.

Culture of Excellence

Ultimately you need to ask yourself: what kind of person do I want to be? The best leaders leave people feeling energized after even a single, brief conversation. The best tech leads leave struggling ICs with the feeling that their problems actually aren’t that big of a deal, and we can totally solve this.

The most precious resource we have is not time, but energy. Everything we do in life is about energy management. We naturally flock to people who leave us more energized — whether they’re vendors, customers, managers, or coworkers. And no startup can generate enough hype or wins in a 7 to 10 year adventure with energy vampires on their core team.

Life is fundamentally hard, and for most of us, there will always be more things you can find to complain about than good things in your life. And even if you lead a remarkably blessed life, hedonic adaptation will make sure you don’t feel blessed.

What I’m asking you to do is hard, and I understand that. It’s easy to blindly agree with someone who’s ranting and raving. It’s easy to not tell uncomfortable truths or be the bearer of bad news. It’s easy to take shortcuts to form bonds over gossip rather than do the actual work and earn the respect of your team mates.

But a culture of excellence is just a group of extremely talented people who have risen to the demands placed upon them. Every one of you at Motion are extremely talented. We will not listen to pseudoscience and prioritize short term happiness over long term personal and company growth.

This will be part of our culture doc and part of our perf review for next half. Just ask yourself: am I constantly saying things that I wouldn’t feel comfortable saying in front of the whole company? Do I constantly engage in DMs instead of commenting in public channels? If not, you don’t have to worry!

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¹ This linked to an internal company doc about truth seeking - I may or may not make this a separate blog post some day.